Faulty Blame
by jeffysquint
Summary: "I'm sorry, but it seems as though your pregnancy is no longer viable. The baby has died." The words leave the mouth of Kate's doctor and leave her wondering how she will break the news to Castle, shattering their new and fragile dreams.
1. Chapter 1

Hello! Haven't written in a long time mostly because of school being crazy. This one here is pretty sad but I've never been very good with writing stories that are complete fluff and happy times so I hope you like it anyway. I'm thinking probably three chapters, maybe more. It kind of depends on how it is received. This chapter is basically just background information.

Disclaimer: These character's aren't mine. Boo.

Thanks for reading!

-Lex

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><p><em>"I'm sorry, but it seems as though your pregnancy is no longer viable. The baby has died."<em>

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><p>Kate walked, or more like stumbled, out of the elevator and towards her desk. Her mug sat near the computer, still steaming and full of what she assumed was decaf.<p>

Decaf. Another reminder of what had just happened at the doctor's appointment. Taking a deep breath of air and trying to fill her body with courage rather than just oxygen, she continued towards the symbol of their dead child.

Castle was nowhere to be found, but judging by the warmth of her mug, he wasn't far. Still she was glad for the few seconds of peace before the inevitable task of facing him. Her shoulders slumped and she buried her face in her hands, trying to steady her breath.

Richard Castle. The father- or almost father- of her almost child. It hadn't been planned, that was for sure. They weren't even officially dating yet. They had only slept together once, that one night after that one case had finished and they hadn't wanted to part for the night just yet. The night when the singular glass of wine she'd had at his loft wasn't anywhere near enough to account for her lapse of judgment.

That's what she had called that night when facing him the next day- a lapse of judgment. She'd told him they'd never work, and that it had been a mistake, and she needed space. He'd stopped coming into the precinct. After two weeks of pushing him away, she finally admitted to herself that it was more than just a one-night thing. She had never been a one-night-stand kind of woman and she knew that this was no different. God, she missed him.

She'd gone to his house and he'd read the emotion in her eyes without a word passing between them. They had spent the rest of the night curled in each other's arms in front of the TV.

They'd been blissful for a few days, catching kisses only when Kate was absolutely sure that no one could see them. But mostly, they were too busy for anything else. The case was so action-packed and mysterious that it wasn't until she had to switch bags and found tampons at the bottom of her purse that Kate had realized she was late. A whole week late. She'd been late before, occasionally, when a case worked her to the ground, but never more than a day or two. But a whole week?

She'd freaked, obviously. She wasn't meant to be a mother. She'd always wanted kids but she was also very aware of the many late nights she spent at the precinct, the endless hours she spent with her paperwork, and the always looming murder board hidden away in her apartment, filled with pictures of her mother's last days. No, she wasn't meant for motherhood.

And then there was Rick. He would have been a great father, and she knew that, but it was too soon and she didn't think that he would want any more children. She had to tell him about the pregnancy though, and she did, but to her dismay and confusion, his eyes had positively lit up. Until she had confessed that maybe she wasn't going to keep it. Maybe. The word was enough to darken his eyes and for hurt to flash across his face. They fought for hours. At some point she had stormed out of his apartment and slammed his door behind her.

Rick hadn't backed down after that. Kate had been mostly cold, but she allowed him back into the precinct and he followed her around on cases. Always there, always helpful. He switched her coffee to decaf and covered for her when the boys wanted to go out for drinks. He ran after her and held her hair when she was reduced to vomiting from morning sickness at crime scenes. He even managed to sneak a pregnancy book into her apartment without her noticing him planting it right on the nightstand. She didn't have the heart to actually go through with an abortion while he was so busy doing everything he could for her.

What had turned the whole situation around was her dad. His advice never steered her wrong, and turning to him had felt like a last resort. But instead of being disappointed in her for getting pregnant like this, he had been disappointed in her reaction regarding the whole situation. They talked through her feelings, something she hadn't done with Castle. He hadn't let her run from the conversation, just held her while she figured it out herself. He had steered her into being more open about her prospective relationship with Rick, and she had winded up at the door to Rick's loft yet again, seeking forgiveness.

Since then, three weeks later, they'd been doing better. He'd been careful not to move too fast with their relationship and she'd begun to be excited at the prospect of having a child with him. Thrilled, even.

Until today. When the world had come crashing down again.

She'd asked to go to her first real checkup alone, and he'd sucked it up and consented. But she was regretting that now. Wouldn't it have been easier if the doctor could have broken the news to both of them at once? Then she wouldn't have to tell him all by herself.

"_I'm sorry, but it seems as though your pregnancy is no longer viable. The baby has died." _

The words of her doctor rang clear in her mind. So… clinical. Unfeeling. Heartless. And at that moment she had wanted nothing more than to hold his hand, to feel his comforting warmth around her.

So, now, sitting at her desk, she drew the paperwork from yesterday's closed case towards her. Because work was what she did best. The decaffeinated coffee remained untouched and quickly became too cold to drink anyway.

"Hey! Guess what? New case! Are you ready?"

It was fifteen minutes later and Castle was standing next to her desk, tapping his fingers on his chair in excitement.

"Esposito says the body's at a movie theatre. The ultimate murder. Hundreds of potential witnesses and not a single person reported seeing anything funny. How do you murder someone in a room that crowded without anyone noticing? What do you think? Good enough for the next book?"

She looked up, composing her face before meeting his.

"Uh… yeah. Yeah just gimme a minute to finish this page of paperwork. Why don't you go with the boys and I'll meet you guys there in 20?"

She looked down to the words on the page again, and continued to write. Silence filled the air.

His head swooped down to peer under her mask of hair, and his grin faltered.

"Kate?"

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><p>Yes? No? Maybe So? Reviewsconstructive criticism are appreciated. Thanks for reading! Expect a new chapter pretty soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: sorry forgot to do this for chapter 1. These characters aren't mine. They belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and there's nothing I can do about it.

Anyways this chapter gets sadder. The last one was just kind of background. Tell me what you think.

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><p>...<p>

His head swooped down to peer under her mask of hair, and his grin faltered.

"Kate?"

"Yeah?" She asked, not looking up.

He paused, not entirely sure how to proceed.

"Everything okay?"

"Yep Castle all good. I'll be along in a sec I promise." Her eyes didn't leave the paper beneath her and she forced her eyes to pretend to read the words.

Still, he didn't leave. He sat down in his chair and put his hand over hers to stop her pen from continuing to scribble. She shook it off and continued.

He knew that hand holding in the precinct was still unacceptable for her, but this was different. This Kate felt indifferent and cold, not embarrassed and scared of getting caught.

"Hey," he began. "Hey. Look at me… Please?"

She could hear the hurt begin to infiltrate his voice, but she knew that looking up would most likely result in her resolve breaking, and that wasn't acceptable. Not here. Not now.

The boys walked towards their own desks from the break room and Castle slid his hands off of Kate's desk just as they turned towards around.

"You comin' Beckett?" Esposito asked.

"Yeah I just need a minute to finish this last bit of paperwork. You guys take Castle and I'll be along soon."

The boys exchanged looks and Ryan whispered something to Esposito. Their eyes turned to Castle's with questioning looks but Castle's were gaping at Kate.

"Wha? No, no, I'll wait. You guys go along." His eyes went back to her, beginning to really worry.

"Castle just go please. The sooner you stop bugging me the quicker I'll come."

She never scolded him like that anymore. Red flags flew up in his brain.

"I'll shush then. And wait," he said, slipping further into his chair and crossing his arms.

Her head finally whipped around and her eyes met his for the first time that morning. The boys' heads were shifting back and forth, trying to figure out what was going on.

"No." The message behind her glare was clear. But he wasn't moving. Somewhere in his mind was the nagging feeling that this was about more than just the case, but he had been sternly instructed by her to never mention anything unprofessional while they were at work. Still, he pressed on, trying to figure out the emotions hidden behind her all-too-composed face.

"Kate the case is over. It was a hard one but it's done now. Maybe it's time to move on and stop obsessing. Take a day. It'll still be here to work on tomorrow."

Her glare narrowed. He realized that he had let her first name slip without thinking, but he was also pretty sure that the intense stare he was getting could easily have resulted from the comment about her sanity. But for this relationship to go anywhere, he needed her to trust him and not shut him out.

"I'm _not_ obsessing over the case." Her teeth were clenched and the words practically spit out of her mouth. And yet, he also caught a sense of pleading in the desperate way she said it. Her eyes moved from him to the boys and back to him again, as though she was trying to silently send him a message.

Her mask was breaking, and she knew it. But it wasn't going to break here. It _couldn't _break now. Another deep breath. She loosened her death grip on her pen. Why wouldn't he just leave? The awkward silence in the room was maddening.

As usual, Castle broke it first.

"Hey guys why don't you just go? We'll find you later," Castle said, without even breaking eye contact with Kate.

Ryan and Esposito were her boys, and under normal circumstances they would have looked to their Beckett before leaving. This time, however, they couldn't get out of there faster. They had no desire to be around while Castle and Beckett duked it out. Whatever the problem was, they were so not going to get into the middle of it.

"C'mon Bro. Let's get out of here." Esposito walked quickly to the elevator and jammed his finger into the "down" button. Ryan was right on his heels.

They left without another word. The bullpen was now completely empty except for Rick and Kate, who still weren't saying anything. Feeling her throat begin to close up, Kate resumed her paperwork, hoping to lose herself in it like she had so many times before when pain had tried to overcome her.

Unfortunately, she wasn't alone anymore and Castle wasn't going to let her shut him out again without a fight. He wasn't going to let her use work as a temporary band-aid.

His hand reached out and he tucked the left side of her hair behind her ear so that he had a better view of her face. Her eyes fluttered closed as she gasped slightly at his touch. Her breath was unsteady now, and soft caress of his calloused hands over her cheek wasn't helping. He lowered his hand to hers and gripped it, scared of what on earth could make her crumble like this. His stomach was now in knots.

"Kate…?"

"Yeah?" The word came fast and quiet, but her voice was surprisingly stable considering the unshed tears creeping into her eyes.

"What happened at the appointment this morning?"

"Castle not now." She continued to stare at the paperwork, though her hand was gripping his fiercely.

"Kate we're all alone. I'm just Rick and you're just Kate. We're not Castle and Beckett. I'm not here to shadow you. It's just you and me. Us. And we're- we're a _family _now and- and I know I wasn't allowed to mention it while we were at work but no one's here to eavesdrop on our lives. Please tell me what happened. Please."

He had meant for that little speech to come out strong and persuasive, but by the end of it his voice had risen an octave with hysteria and he was begging her more than pushing her. Something was very wrong.

He had said _family. _The word hit her like a kick to the stomach and knocked the wind out of her. She turned her head back towards him, and bit her lip. A single tear leaked from her left eye and still, she didn't speak.

He waited though, hoping that this time she'd break the silence first. She did, eventually, but not with an explanation.

"It's all my fault," she said softly with a tiny sob. And then before he knew what was happening, she ripped her hand from his to wipe her tear away, stood up, and ran out without another word.

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><p>So we really never see Kate like this, and maybe it was a little much, but it IS a really really sad situation, so hopefully you aren't thinking it's too OOC for her.<p>

Thanks for continuing to read! As always, please review(:

The next chapter will probably take longer considering these two came out within hours of eachother...


	3. Chapter 3

So just in case you guys were wondering, I was kind of placing this story sometime maybe in season 2. She hasn't been shot or anything and he never told her he loved her while she was dying and bleeding on the ground, etc. You get the idea.

Disclaimer: Ummm. These guys aren't mine.

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><p>...<p>

"It's all my fault," she said softly with a tiny sob. And then before he knew what was happening, she ripped her hand from his to wipe her tear away, stood up, and ran out without another word.

She disappeared through the door to the stairs, unable to stand with her back to him while she waited for the elevator.

He sat there, shocked and unable to move. He couldn't stand, he couldn't think. What had just happened? He was good with riddles but… this one was beyond him.

"_It's all my fault." _

What was her fault? The case wasn't, the baby wasn't, and what else was there? They'd been… _good _lately. Great even. He was happier than he had been in years and he was fairly certain that she was too. She hadn't done anything wrong. She'd come back when he'd pushed her too far. She'd accepted his past and trusted that their future would be different. She had given him the chance to be a father again, and he wouldn't want it to be with anyone else. A baby… their baby... and the _appointment_. The last thing she had done before she had come into the precinct looking like she was seconds away from shattering under the pressure of staying strong.

It was with that thought that he rose fast out of his chair, and ran towards the door that she had vanished through.

He took off down the stairs, knowing full well that even with her 4 inch heels, she had been trained to run, and catching up with her wasn't going to be easy. And if he didn't get to her before she got out of the building, she'd be gone. She'd blend into the crowd, catch a cab, and be gone. Gone to where? He couldn't lose her again. He'd lost her so many times before, what if this time was the one time where she didn't come back? What if this was one time too many? What if, what if, what if.

By now he was on the fifth floor, and had been screaming her name the whole way down. "Kate! Kate wait! Ka-" He stumbled and in the half second of silence that was created, he heard it. Her sniffle.

"Kate?" Her name left his lips at a more normal volume this time, and he paused to wait for her response. Nothing. He took off again.

He found her halfway between the first and second floors, so close to the bottom, and yet so far. As though she really couldn't bring herself to take another step. She was sitting off to the side, legs sprawled on different stairs and her side was flush against the wall.

There were no tears though. Tears would have been easier for him to deal with. But this…

She looked dead. There was no other way to describe the stone-cold facade that was her whole body. It was beyond worry, beyond sadness; it was everything and nothing all at the same time. It was like staring at a nine year old version of Alexis, so frozen and self hating, waiting for punishment after breaking a dish. No, it was worse. For behind the guilt and the fear, there was a clear dose of sadness too.

"Hey," he said softly, coming to rest beside her. He left just enough room between them to give her space, but close enough to give her the option of coming to him herself. He placed his elbows on his thighs and leaned forward, looking over at her.

"I…" she began, but faltered. "I… hey." Her eyes just stared forward.

"Kate…" He paused, hoping she would pick up the conversation.

"Sorry for making you run."

"I don't… are you…" She can't honestly think he's mad at her for making him chase her. That's the _last _thing on his mind. "I mean… are you… okay?" He mentally hits himself for that one. Clearly, she isn't okay. Clearly she's dying inside. But her silence is currently frightening him more than her yelling ever has. He runs a hand across his mouth and along his day-old scruff, trying to wrap his mind around the situation. But he still feels so lost. And she's not exactly giving him any hints either.

She lets out a breathy laugh though at his attempt at conversation, and that's something. She looks up to the sky, like a child willing herself not to cry, looking for strength in some higher power that he's pretty sure she doesn't even believe in.

"Do you wanna…" but his sentence cuts off again, because he has no idea what she wants right now. He's learned to handle an angry Beckett with his charm, will away a grumpy Beckett with a crazy theory or two, a cup of coffee. But he's never even been allowed to see her vulnerable like this. One day he'll have figured out how to do this better.

"Do you think…" she begins again, but today seems the day for unfinished sentences. "Is Alexis home?"

And there she goes again, in a completely different direction. He's stumped. "No Alexis has a sleepover with Paige. Girl's night."

"And, and Martha?" Her voice is soft, but it's steady.

"Nope. She's got some callback in Boston and she decided to visit some people while she was there. Making a weekend of it." Silence again, and he watches as she closes her eyes and places her forehead against the cool surface of the hand-rail. He can tell she's trying desperately to gather strength, but she's grasping at empty air. So he waits. And is finally rewarded for his patience with a string of words that actually make sense to him, a verbal request that he knows he can give to her.

"Take me home Rick." The words are uttered so softly that even in the dead silence of the stairwell, he barely catches them. But their meaning is clear. Home: his heart swells as he realizes that his loft is becoming a home to her. But now isn't the time to rejoice over this step in their journey. Now is the time to take her in his arms and coax the story of her pain out of her tightly sealed lips so that the burden of it can become both of theirs to carry.

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><p>I wish i was an actual writer. You know, with actual talent. How cool would that be? But writing is just an outlet so I guess I'll survive being so incredibly mediocre. You don't know how much you guys reading makes me jump for joy. So thanks.<p>

I'm thinking... two more chapters? Maybe. Don't know yet.

Thanks for reading and please review! (:


	4. Chapter 4

This chapter definitely took me a few tries. It still isn't my favorite. I wasn't really sure how she would tell him and how I would lead into some other ideas that I had. There was some fudging and I cut this chapter off and made it into two parts so I should have the next chapter out soon. Hope you like!

Disclaimer: They're not mine. Sorry.

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><p>...<p>

"Take me home Rick." The words are uttered so softly that even in the dead silence of the stairwell, he barely catches them. But their meaning is clear. Home: his heart swells as he realizes that his loft is becoming a home to her. But now isn't the time to rejoice over this step in their journey. Now is the time to take her in his arms and coax the story of her pain out of her tightly sealed lips so that the burden of it can become both of theirs to carry.

Rick slips his hand through Kate's, and pulls her to her feet. He would have carried her in an instant, but he wants to preserve her pride when it comes to walking out of the 12th. This is a place of strength for her, and he wouldn't want to do anything to mar that allusion. And so he clasps her hand tightly in his, fingers intertwining, and half pulls her down the remaining stairs and out the exit. He waves for a cab, and is relieved to see one head their way almost immediately. He could swear that no matter how terrible she looks or feels, cabs always stop faster for him when she's around. Must be that killer body and beautiful face.

He ushers her in ahead of him, and she doesn't even protest, but she does refuse to let go of his hand. They climb in awkwardly together and as soon as he's settled, her head is buried in his arm and her eyes are closed. He turns his head to kiss hers and catches a whiff of her hair. Cherries.

Somewhere between the stairs and the cab he had decided that he'll give her this. He'll give her this time in the cab to remain silent, to gather herself, and they'll talk when they're in the privacy of his loft. How he manages the whole cab ride with such imminent curiosity ready to spill over his lips is beyond him. But he does.

She's thankful for his support and thankful for his silence, but this new patient demeanor of his also manages to deepen her guilt. The longer she puts off telling him, the worse it will get. The more he will hate her for it. And so when the cab ride inevitably ends, she panics. He feels her stiffen next to him, and she won't look at him. Because she knows that once they're inside those walls, there's nowhere she can hide. There's nowhere she can run too. If only she had just let him come to the appointment, it would all be over now. He could be left to hate her and she would be alone to hate herself. But no, her stubbornness has ruined everything for them.

Now that they're unlikely to be seen by any familiar faces, he lifts her from the cab with one arm under her thighs and the other supporting her back. When she doesn't even protest, just loops her arms his neck, the graveness of the situation hits him again. This isn't the Kate he knows.

Upon entering the loft, he heads straight for the bedroom, but she stops him on the way there.

"No… couch." The softness of her voice startles him again, but he stops walking towards his room.

"Why…?"

"Better for talking."

He doesn't argue with this logic, and sets her down on his sofa. She removes her shoes and he goes to find blankets.

It's like preparing for war. They both know this isn't going to be one of their usual witty conversations. It's going to be one of those conversations they're usually so good at avoiding. The ones where they have to talk about feelings and all of that other stuff. And so they prepare. While she gets comfortable, he finds blankets, pillows, water, puts on sweats, and brings it all over.

They sit sideways on the couch, facing each other. His legs are open and she sits cross-legged in the middle of the v they create. His hands are on her knees, caressing and drawing little circles with his thumbs, trying to calm her. Her hands, however, are each busy trying to wring the other out.

"I guess it's better if I don't dance around the point this time, huh?"

He nods, because his patience only goes so far, and he's been ready to explode for hours now.

"Do you think… I could just get through it all… and then we could talk? I know it's hard but… can you just wait until I think I've said everything?"

He nods again, not sure if he likes this condition, but he's pretty sure that protesting it will do more harm than good right now.

"Okay so…"

9:17 AM, that morning 

"_Alright Ms. Beckett are you ready for your first ultrasound? This is always my favorite part! A mother's first ultrasound…" _

_Kate inwardly groaned. Ever since she'd stopped drinking her regular two cups of caffeinated coffee in the morning, perky people made her want to shoot something. But she reminded herself that the nurse was only trying to be nice, and fighting wasn't going to get her anywhere. Be the better person, Kate. She slumped back onto the pillow a little too dramatically. _

_A few minutes went by and the nurse hadn't said anything for a solid 60 seconds. Probably a record for her, Kate thought. But in the back of her mind an alarm was going off, and she felt fidgety like when they're on a case and the next connection is right on the tip of her tongue. Her doctor came in and took over for the nurse. Another minute later, and Kate's head was shifting back and forth between the two faces, her eyes wide with fear. _

"_Is everything- okay? Is the baby okay? Isn't there supposed to be, you know, a heartbeat or something like that by now?"_

_The doctor nodded towards the nurse and the nurse looked back at Kate with eyes full of pity. _

"_I'm so sorry Ms. Beckett," the nurse said._

"_Wha…? No…" Kate's breathing became shallow and the ability to form coherent words left her. _

"_It's what we call a missed miscarriage. It happens when the embryonic death has occurred but there has not been any expulsion of the embryo." The words left the doctor's mouth but Kate's now oxygen deprived brain couldn't quite comprehend the medical mumbo-jumbo. The look on her face must have explained this because then the doctor put her hand on Kate's knee and said, "I'm sorry, but it seems as though your pregnancy is no longer viable. The baby has died." _

_And then it finally hit her. Her baby. Dead. Her and Castle's baby. Gone. _

Present Time 

She finishes the story and suddenly the words are rushing out almost faster than she can say them. Almost, but not quite. She's shaking her head and her brows were furrowed in frantic worry. Her arms are wrapped around her lower abdomen and she's rocking back and forth ever so slightly.

"And then I think I startled them when I ran out so fast. But I just couldn't be in that office any longer and listen to them talk like that Rick I just couldn't and the pity eyes and oh God I'm so sorry it's all my fault. The baby is dead. I knew that case was too much stress for me and the baby I knew it. And you knew it too and you were so good and you kept telling me to take it easy and, and I kept blowing you off and- oh God I- I'm- I'm so so sorry. I kept getting so mad at you for being all over me and I even knew you were right and I just- I- I didn't listen. I completely ignored you and now… now-"

"Hey." He puts a finger to her lips to stop the flow of words.


	5. Chapter 5

Ohmygosh you guys are the best. FIFTY-ONE ALERTS! Over 4,000 hits. I feel so blessed. Thank you to all of you who have read, reviewed, and followed this story. And for those of you who are new, thanks to you too!

Disclaimer: They're not mine.

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><p>"Hey." He puts a finger to her lips to stop the flow of words.<p>

She bows her head and starts shaking it again, but the words have stopped.

"Hey. Look at me. It's okay." He puts a single finger under her chin and lifts. He's leaning forward and trying to meet her eyes but she moves her chin off of his finger and casts her gaze to the rug next to them.

"It's not okay. Nothing's okay. And it's all my fault." The words come out with venom, like she's throwing them at him but he knows that she's really throwing them at herself. "I ruined-"

"Kate stop."

"No. Don't try to spin the story around to make me feel better."

"Kate-" he says as he reaches for her wrist, but she pulls her arm away too fast. It gets her to look up and into his eyes though.

"No Castle! The blame is mine and no one else's."

"This isn't your fau-"

"But it is! Don't you get it? It isn't like one of your murder mysteries okay? It isn't a puzzle that we have to decipher. It's clear cut. An easy solve. Stop lying to yourself Castle."

"It's Rick," he shoots back quietly.

"What?"

"I'm not Castle. I'm Rick."

"Why does that even…?" She shakes her head in disbelief.

"Matter? Right now, right here, we're not just partners, alright? We're a fa- we're together and that's gonna require that you listen to my side too- Jesus, Kate will you stop looking at the ground please?"

Silence hangs in the air and creates a wall between them. He's never really stood up for himself like that before. He's never talked to her like that before. She opens her mouth to speak, but it takes her several tries to get any words to come out.

"Do you hate me?"

The question hits him like a ton of bricks. He can see the honesty in her pale face and he knows that she's asking him what she believes is a legitimate question.

"Do I- what? No! Why would I hate you?"

"Because it's my fault!" Her eyes are pleading with him to understand, but he just doesn't.

"Why are you-"

"I ruined _everything _Cas- Rick! How are you not getting that?"

She's gotten to her feet now and the blanket that was over her knees falls to the floor in a heap at her ankles.

"How can you see what I've done and not want to walk right out the door?"

"Walk out? Is that really what you think I'm gonna do? Walk out on you? On us? Do you honestly think you're some kind of disposable toy to me? That's rich, especially after all we've been through."

And now he's on his feet to. The preposterous quality of the whole argument is so beyond him, but he's not going to let her punish herself like this, so he fights back.

She's staring at the floor again, ashamed of accusing him of wanting to leave. But everybody leaves eventually. Isn't that what life has taught her? Besides, she didn't mean it like that. She didn't mean to accuse him of being a fickle person or returning to his playboy ways. But really, he should leave her. She never deserved him and she certainly doesn't now.

"The baby-" she begins, but he stops her again.

"_Our _baby."

"_Our _baby then." Her tone has a biting quality to it and he falters, and steps back a little bit. When had the fight gone this far? "Our baby is gone. _Gone_. And I'm responsible. Tell me, how can you stand it? How can you look at me? I drove myself to the ground with that case. I slept in the precinct. I yelled at suspects on a daily basis. I rarely ate anything other than takeout. I seldom went home. I put too much stress on myself, and I miscarried. How can you stand the fact that I murdered our baby?"

Her eyes are fierce and she's practically yelling by the end of the rant. She turns her back on him and starts to walk away, towards his door.

"Murdered?" He can't believe she just said that. Does she really believe that?

"Yes, _murdered_." She turns back around to face him, and her fists are clenched at her sides. She looks him in the eyes and huffs. "You were so hurt when I had the slightest thought of aborting this baby a few weeks ago but now you don't even care that I practically managed to do the exact same thing just without a doctor?" She turns and continues to walk towards the exit. He follows.

"Kate!" Well now he's done it. He's yelled. He's been mad at her before, but he's never yelled, and he can see her recoil a bit in shock. He keeps his stand but doesn't move any closer, scaring her off won't help. It's clear she isn't going to cut in on him just yet though, and so he takes the chance and continues at a softer volume.

"This isn't your fault. I don't blame you. And I don't hate you. This kind of thing happens to people all of the time and for many reasons that science has yet to figure out. Yes, you worked a lot. So do a lot of other people. But just think about it for a second with me here. Do you remember how anal you were about sleeping 8 hours a day and how mad you got when the boys woke you up from your nap for no reason? Do you remember how I'd 'forget' to order moo shu pork and 'accidentally' order more vegetables instead? Do you remember the prenatal vitamins you started taking long before a doctor had time to tell you about them? Do you remember that while you may not have gone back to your home every night, you spent a whole heck of a lot of nights crashing here?"

"I…"

He takes a step towards her and she doesn't back away.

"God Kate you were being so good and you don't even realize it. And I'm sorry if you thought I was being all over you but I was just trying to help. And you did listen. You didn't blow me off. And you were doing so great and being so strong about everything."

They stand there, facing each other. Connected only by their eyes. She has no idea what to say but the fighting spirit seems to have currently left her, and for that he is thankful.

"Yeah but… well it still happened. The baby's still gone."

"True. But you can't blame yourself, alright?"

He sees her inward struggle play out in her face. She looks down at her feet, up at him, at the door, and then back to him. She opens her mouth several times before deciding on biting her bottom lip instead. When she sniffles and lets out a shuddering breath through her mouth, he opens his arms to her. Relief washes over him when she walks into his embrace without hesitation.

"You're not going to leave me?" Her voice is muffled against his shirt but the words are unmistakable.

"What? No. Of course I'm not gonna leave you. You're stuck with me. Always. Just try to understand what I'm saying?"

She nods heavily into his chest. "I promise to try."

"That's all I ask."

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><p>What a crazy emotional ride this is. Sorry it takes me a while to get these things out because I don't want to get it wrong.<p>

Please Please Please REVIEW! I'm not entirely sure where the story is going from this point on, and I'd like as much feedback as possible. Thank you!


	6. Chapter 6

SORRY for the slightly longer gap between chapters. Couldn't really write over spring break and now life is completely hectic. I make no promises for when the next chapter will come since I haven't even started writing! This one takes a little turn and I hope you like it!

On another note, 69 ALERTS! I feel so special. You guys are the best.

Disclaimer: **They're not mine :(**

**PS**- for those of you who didn't read the note on a previous chap, this is written season 2ish or maybe 3 but not really at any specific place, just before Montgomery dies and Castle tells Kate he loves her etc.

OKAY! Now read!

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><p>"As long as she needs. Take care of her."<p>

"Thank you sir."

"And Castle?"

"Sir?"

"Don't forget about yourself. You're allowed to mourn too."

"We'll get through it. Thanks."

Her work's settled then. And Gina will just have to get over it when he tells her that he won't have any chapters done any time soon. He runs his hand through his hair and shakes his head to clear his mind. Turning the sink off, he shuffles towards the door.

Upon exiting his bathroom, he looks up to find her standing in front of his full-length mirror. Consumed by her own thoughts, she doesn't notice when he comes into the room. He leans against the doorframe and stops to watch her. She's stripped down to a plain black bra and panty set, and she has turned sideways so that her profile reflects back at her. As she drifts a single finger down the middle of her abdomen, he inhales fast, his breath catching. He sees it now. How did he not notice before? The smallest of all bumps. The only remaining evidence that their poor baby was real. Her hand comes to rest at the bottom of the swell in her stomach, and she can't help the other hand that flies up to her mouth in an attempt to staunch the emotion that's threatening to conquer her.

He sniffles, and realizes he's crying. Hearing him, she turns and releases her hands to her side almost guiltily, and bows her head. She's biting her lip and there are tears running down her face.

"When did that happen?" he whispers softly, as if he speaks any louder the room will shatter upon them. She hears though, and knows exactly what he's talking about.

"I don't… I don't know." The confusion in her voice is heartbreaking. He's sure that each time she speaks her voice gets more and more desperate, as though she's getting closer and closer to breaking completely, and this time is no different. He's amazed that she's been this composed for this long. "I just…" she begins, her voice high. "I can't…" she starts again, but the attempt seems more futile. When her mouth opens wide for the third time, all that comes out is a whimper.

"Oh Kate…"

He reaches her in one fell swoop, and takes her in his arms. She buries her head in his chest and begins to sob for the first time that day. Deep, full body shakes. The kind that should never be able to come out of a woman so small.

With one arm still wrapped around her, he reaches the other out to his dresser and pulls out one of his bigger t-shirts. He's hoping that it'll fall to her thighs and cover her up. Not that he's trying to cover up or bury the evidence, just- he can't think of anything else and all he wants is to make her feel better, make her comfortable.

He slowly lugs her towards the bed, and they trip over each other's feet the whole way, as he refuses to loosen their embrace. When the back of her knees hit the mattress, he untangles her hands from his shirt, pulls back the sheets, and sits her down. Ignoring the now-constant flow of his own tears, he wipes hers from her face with his thumbs as she continues to sob and then quickly but smoothly pulls his shirt over her head. Together they climb under the sheets and she takes the shirt he's wearing hostage again, grasping it in her fists with those slender fingers.

And then all that's left to do is hold her. With her head upon his chest, his lips find the line where her forehead meets her hairline. They remain there for longer than is probably acceptable, but he can't shake the feeling that at some point this will all become too much for her and she'll push him away to deal with it on her own. He's ashamed that even after today, even after she looked so afraid to lose him, he still feels as though she's not entirely in his grasp. He removes his lips eventually though, and settles with resting his chin on the top of her head, in her hair. Cherries. He can smell them. She curls her legs up and intertwines them around his own. The movement would normally leave him elated, but under the current circumstances, all he feels is relief. Relief that maybe they'll really be able to do this together.

And so through his own silent tears he lays there with her through her grief. Sob after sob, shudder after monumental shudder, all he can do for her is continue to run his hands through her soft brown waves. He doesn't feel the wetness of her tears as they soak his shirt, nor hear the phone as it rings on his nightstand. How long they lay there, crying in each other's arms, neither is sure. But at some point or another, their bodies force sleep upon them and unconsciousness finally brings with it tranquil bodies.

She wakes first, along with the smallest hint of the dawn. How she slept for even that long is a mystery to her. She's not exactly known for sleeping through the night. How she managed to stay in Castle's arms is yet another unsolved mystery. She's usually quite the thrasher.

The waking up so early though, that she can explain. Kate Beckett is the kind of woman who can sleep till noon if her mind's at rest, but right now she's still running on a high from their last case.

When the day before hits her, and the scenes begin to flash before her eyes, she feels an urgent need to get up and move around. She groggily rubs her eyes with the back of her hand and peers towards the clock on his side of bed, trying not to place too much pressure on the chest of her snoring heap of a bed partner.

He wakes when he feels her bolt into a sitting position and wrench her way out of his arms in the process.

"Whah issit? Whuss rong?" His voice is groggy with a mixture of sleep and confusion.

"Sorry! I have to go to workCastle. You can go back to bed," she whispers, and leans over to kiss him quickly.

"Kate-" he starts when she lifts her lips from his, but she catches another glimpse of the clock on her way back up to a sitting position.

"Ugh and it's already 5:30 and I don't have any clean clothes here…"

"Kate c'meere."

"No Castle I have to get out of here," she says as she reaches a hand out to find the edge of the sheets. She's tired and she's emotionally drained, but when has that ever stopped her before?

"You don't have to go to work," he says, a little more forcefully, grabbing her wrist to stop her from exiting the warmth of the sheets. The look she's giving him is unmistakably telling him that he's being preposterous, but she stops to listen anyway. Progress- she's actually listening to him. He's caught for a second between being irritated at her for being so stubborn about working and being completely in love with her for how cute she looks with her nose all scrunched up and her eyebrows raised as though threatening him to challenge her. Wait- love? No, not yet. It's too soon for that. She'd positively scram if he moved that fast. But still…

"I kinda do. Look, thank you so much for last night but that doesn't change the fact that I left early from work yesterday and I need to go catch up. If you don't want to come in today we can have dinner ton-"

"I already called Montgomery. He says to take some time off. So come back." He smiles and pulls her towards him, but she doesn't come.

"You did what?" Her voice is soft but there are threads of a stern interrogation quality running through it.

"I told him the whole story and he said that we should take some time off," he says, still smiling at her like he's done her a huge favor. But she's still resisting his pull on her arm.

"The whole story?" The words come out coldly now, and neither of them are smiling anymore.

"Well not the whole thing obviously, just, he know what happened, yeah."

"Castle, why would you do that?"

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><p>DUN DUN DUNNNNN. Okay a little dramatic there sorry.<p>

**Please please please review!** I know that you all probably hear that every time you read FF, but seriously, review. It really really does help.


	7. Chapter 7

Hello! Sorry It's been almost a week, but I wasn't really sure where I was taking the story when I left off last time. But here's chapter 7! This one was hard. I'm still not in love with it. But hopefully you'll like?

Please read and review, as usual.

Disclaimer: Castle isn't mine. Darn Andrew.

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><p>...<p>

"Well not the whole thing obviously, just the overview. But he knows… what happened, yeah."

"Why would you do that?" Hurt, betrayal, worry- be can't figure out exactly what it is that's flitting across her face, but she's shaking her head, and whatever it is that she's feeling isn't a positive emotion, that's for sure.

"I just thought-"

"No you didn't think obviously, or we wouldn't be here."

"Kate you can't just go back to work like nothing happened."

"Well clearly I can't _now_ since everybody knows, but I'm still going. Don't you dare tell the boys."

Silence.

"The boys know? Seriously Castle? Why can't you keep your damn mouth shut? Isn't it enough that my life is already a book?"

"Oh don't do that. My work has nothing to do with this. The captain and the boys already knew about us and the baby- God knows how, but they did- and Montgomery said he'd fill them in so you didn't have to. I was just trying to help."

"You were... They knew?"

"They're smart."

"You still shouldn't have told them. And I'm allowed to go to work if I want to."

She paused, seeing the hurt that laced through his eyes and pressed his lips together into a thin line. He didn't answer. While he was already quite adept at reading her, she wasn't blind to his emotions. She was a cop after all. And the pleading in his voice told her that he really was just trying to help, even if her instincts were telling her to yell at him and run. Her voice softened, quieter, but still stern.

"When?"

"When what?"

"When did you tell my boss our problems and tell him I wasn't going to work?"

His eyes were like a puppy dog's, but not because he was begging. He just looked so incredibly tortured over the news that he had hurt her. He couldn't believe how much power she had over him, and she couldn't believe it either. It was hard to fight when their emotions were so raw and she could see how badly her words were hurting him. But it was her life, and not his to control.

"In the bathroom. Right before you... Right before bed."

"So I wasn't supposed to know? You thought you were just going to keep me locked up here and I was going to bawl in your arms for the next week or so while the whole world pitied us?"

"No I didn't mean it like that I just... I was just trying to help. It's not something you can shove to the bottom of your mind and never think about again. _We_," his emphasis was unmistakable, "lost a _child_."

God dammit Castle, she thought. It was so hard to be mad when he put it that way. When he used singular pronouns to couple them together or played the family card.

"And you think I don't know that?" Well that was it, she was done. "You didn't even ask what I wanted..." she answered feebly, having lost whatever small amount of strength she had gained over sleeping in his arms the night before.

She wanted to yell, she wanted to scream at him that she didn't need his help. Every single one of her men of the past had been tortured with that speech at some point or another. But looking into those eyes, she just couldn't do it. No man had ever looked at her the way he was right now, the way he always did. Okay, so last night had made it pretty clear that she did actually need him. But she was so not ready to admit it, and for reasons more personal than keeping his ego at a tolerable level. Deep breaths Kate, be nice.

"Look, I just... I didn't mean to be so... Well, I'm sorry. But Rick I'm just not ready for you to control what I do like that yet." she paused, watching his eyes for a reaction, hoping to see anything but the sadness that had filled them seconds before. "And just so you know, I'm not usually such a crybaby."

The corner of his mouth twitched upwards towards a smile at that last comment. "Oh I know you're not a crybaby. And I'm sorry too. Really. I should have known better. Next time I'll stick to asking about ways I can help instead of jumping to conclusions. I'm just, I'm worried about you." He was mentally kicking himself. He really should have known. He knows her well enough to know how important it is for her not feel weak and clingy. Because she's strong- stronger than anyone he's ever met, men included. And that means that, unlike his ex-wives, she's not in this to mooch off of him and use him as a boy-toy. They're a team, and while he'll never admit it, she wears the pants.

She gets up and throws her pants back on, sticking her hair in a quick braid. He falls dramatically back onto the bed, arms spread wide, thanking his lucky stars that that didn't turn into a huge fight.

When she comes back over and sits down on the bed, he sits up in a scurry, having almost fallen asleep in relief. But she's just sitting there, giggling at him, perfect as ever. Her face is pained, but for the time being it's mostly hidden behind the laughter.

"Has there ever been a day when I didn't give you a reason to laugh at me?" he asks.

"I don't think so no. But why else would I keep you around?" She shakes her head with a loving smirk and brings her hand up to rest on his cheek, caressing his blush with the pad of her thumb.

"Heyyy," he whines, but there's no force behind it.

She smiles back at him, and they tease each other with their eyes. But the smile fades.

"I think I'm gonna sleep at my own place tonight," she stops to track down the right words and brushes a lock of his hair out of his face in the meantime. "It's just that... this is all a lot in a really short time and I, I don't know if I'm ready..."

"It's okay," he cuts in, seeing the conflict in her eyes. His heart pangs a bit but he knows it's probably for the best. They rushed into the couple thing pretty fast, and she's scared. When you think about it, they've only been technically together for a few weeks, not months. For any normal relationship, expecting her over at his place 24/7 after such a short time would be downright irrational. He knows that. And she'll come back. She will.

"Come see me tomorrow? I was planning to have dinner with dad... But you can come watch me do paperwork until then?"

"You'll be okay?"

She knows he is thinking of the night before- the baby, the tears, the guilt- and there is no point in lying.

"I'm not okay. I don't want you thinking I'm all fine and dandy now. But I want this," she wraps an arm around her midsection and casts her eyes downward, "to end... naturally. And until then, well, I've never been good at moping around. You know that." Her voice cracks and she sniffles, but her exterior remains tough.

He nods. "I do know that. Just don't be too hard on yourself alright? It's still not your fault and you need rest."

She nods. "Thank you."

"For?"

She shrugs in a way that's so her and so cute that he can't help but smile, even though she hasn't answered yet. He's falling hard.

"Being you. Understanding. Thank you." She inhales deeply to steady the emotions wracking through her.

He brings a hand up to her neck, fingers just slightly in her hair, and leans forward to rest his forehead against hers. Her eyes flutter shut and the air she took in is finally expelled in one quick sigh. They're okay. They're damaged, but relationship-wise, they're okay. They're good.

He takes her sigh as his cue and leans forward a little more to press his lips to hers. Warmth envelops them and for a few moments, the soft pressures each creates on the other is all that exists in the world.

She leaves a few minutes later, and the bed becomes cold and the house silent. It is certainly not rational to miss her already, but he has always been a sappy one.

A few hours and three episodes of Star Trek later, his phone begins to buzz. He scurries around the counter as fast as he can, smacking his hip on the corner of the marble.

"Hello?" he answers, except that it comes out a couple octaves higher than his usual tenor, due to the throbbing ache in his side.

"Uh... Castle?"

He clears his throat and coughs heartily, trying to return his voice to normal.

"Yeah?"

"You okay there?"

"Yep. Just fine."

A soft chuckle comes from his phone's speaker. She obviously didn't buy his horrendous cover-up there, but she continues and leaves the subject behind anyway.

"Um... Okay. Miss me yet? I was thinking maybe you could drop by for lunch?"

"That bored of work already?"

"Well Montgomery desked me..."

"I'm sorry." He really is sorry, and his voice proves that for him, but at the same time he's relieved that she's not going out into the field.

"No I didn't mean it like that! I'm just, ah, a little bored."

She does sound bored. Or tired. He isn't sure; it's hard to tell over the phone.

Half an hour later, they are at Remy's, nestled into a booth in the back, and Kate is falling asleep on Rick's shoulder. Esposito called to tell them that their suspect had cracked without too much effort and offered to do the paperwork with Ryan so Kate could go home. So they've been sitting and eating slower than usual ever since, enjoying the comfort of their closeness. Kate and Rick hadn't talked about it much after hanging up, but when she woke up and realized that she had conked out in the middle of a restaurant before even finishing lunch, she'd all but asked him to take her home. The tears were non-existent, but there was an extra red rim to her eyes that even his best jokes never seemed to fully erase. He'd promised himself that morning that he'd avoid using 'I told you so's no matter what happened, and he kept to that promise.

An hour later they were both passed out on her couch, the credits rolling for some movie they'd even never bothered to check the title of.

Two hours later, they were saying goodnight at her door, like teenagers on a first date. He was a little afraid to touch her, afraid to draw her attention to her ever so slightly enlarged waist by placing his hands there. So he held her hands in his own, looked her in the eyes, and then leaned forward and kissed her. Kissed her like it _was_ their first date and he was trying to do nothing but make an honorable impression. So warm, so soft, so perfect. Like they were innocent. The whole thing was sweet, really, and utterly adorable. Exactly what she needed.

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><p>Look! I left you all without a cliffhanger! It's a relatively happy ending really. Aren't you proud? Unfortunately I'm not making any promises for the chapters ahead.<p>

Please please please review! I want to know if you think I got that right.

Thanks again for reading, you're all the best.

-Lex


	8. Chapter 8

Oh boy guys. It has been a REALLY long time, and I'm sorry. There were good excuses in the beginning, but really I've had this chapter done for a while and I'm so sorry for not editing and posting earlier. I'm terrible, I know.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy. Maybe go back and reread some first if it has been too long. SORRY. This picks up right after Kate decides to sleep at her apartment instead of staying with Castle. Here's the last paragraph:

"Two hours later, they were saying goodnight at her door, like teenagers on a first date. He was a little afraid to touch her, afraid to draw her attention to her ever so slightly enlarged waist by placing his hands there. So he held her hands in his own, looked her in the eyes, and then leaned forward and kissed her. Kissed her like it _was_ their first date and he was trying to do nothing but make an honorable impression. So warm, so soft, so perfect. Like they were innocent. The whole thing was sweet, really, and utterly adorable. Exactly what she needed."

Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. Or the characters.

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><p>Kate woke up the next morning and groaned. The sun was streaming in through her window and straight into her eyes. Great. Her body was sprawled out over the bed, and the pillows were on the floor. She tries lifting her head an inch to peak at the clock, but something in her neck pulls and with a whimper she's forced to lay her head back down. Well, she didn't really want to get up anyway. She knows he's not there, but she stretches her fingers towards the edges of the mattress anyway, and feels a sense of sorrow when all she finds is cold sheets.<p>

It's like a marathon; dragging herself out of bed and towards the shower. And then when she finally makes it all she can manage to do is sit down on the tile and let the water cascade over her. She can't explain it but it's like the world has stopped. Is it numbness or unbearable pain? Or numbness because one person can't possibly feel all of this pain. Sleeping without Castle was a stupid idea. A really really stupid idea. Yeah, she's never let a relationship move this fast, but she's also never had a relationship with him. Let alone the whole baby thing. As a new wave of pain washes over her again, her tears mix with the water that's streaming out of the shower head and run down her face. If only baths were allowed.

She throws on a pair of her loser slacks, a flowy shirt, a blazer, and her comfy brown wedge booties, and grabs a protein bar on her way out the door. As if. She couldn't possibly eat right now. The only thing getting her out of her pajamas and through the door is the hope that Castle will be sitting loyally at her desk by the time she gets there.

And he is. Stepping off the elevator, a smile finally breaks its way through her, from her mouth to her eyes to the tips of her toes when she sees him. His cold exterior is broken too when he catches that first glimpse of her rounding he corner and moving towards him. He stands as she comes closer, and she ducks her head in what he assumes is embarrassment. He is suddenly thankful to his mother for drilling into him these kinds of small etiquettes that he hopes will show her just how well she deserves to be treated. He's prepared to sit back down before the boys come back in, however, when she takes the last few steps towards him at a run and crashes into his chest.

"Oof," he lets out as the force of her winds him. "Hey…"

"Mmm…" is all he receives in return. It's kind of a contented sigh, a quick hello, and a smile all wrapped in one.

He pulls himself out of the hug to see her. Her eyes are sunken and she's put minimal effort into her makeup and hair. She's one indisputably beautiful mess, but she's still a mess. His lack of sleep is mirrored in the bags under her eyes and somewhere in this quick evaluation of her, his smile fades along with the momentary elated feeling because she's so broken and he wasn't able to help.

"I know, I know, I look like crap. Got up late." She ducks her head and looks sideways towards her desk. It's true, she did get up late. But she's not going to tell him that she woke up late due to not falling asleep until early morning all because he wasn't there to hold her. Nope, not going to tell him that.

"No, you are beautiful."

"And you are full of crap."

"No I'm full of hunger," he says, and tries to smile.

"You thought that was a really clever thing to say didn't you?" It's what she's supposed to say, and it's their norm, but it doesn't feel right. There is no bite to her words, they simply fall flat before him.

"Well…"

"You are losing your game Castle," she quips lightly, and with a soft pat on his cheek, she pulls out of his arms to sit down in her chair.

She plops down a little too hard and turns to glare at him.

"Did you touch my chair again?" She's glaring, but it has no effect on him. Her genuine frustration brings out more of her old authoritative self, and he so wants to smile.

"Why? Something wrong Beckett?"

"You moved it! It's way too low. How many times have I told you not to touch my chair?"

"Well if you didn't keep the back of it so vertical and the whole thing almost too high to put your legs under the desk…" Castle is almost cracking up now and it is all she can do not to slap him and then crack up herself.

"Oh so it's my fault?"

"Oh it's always your fault. Duh." It comes out of his mouth with a signature smirk and she knows he's kidding, but she can't help the way her heart stops and her stomach drops. Whatever hint of a smile was there before has been wiped from her face.

"_It's all my fault." _Her own words from just two days ago reverberate around her head and she can physically feel herself start to lose it. The way her eyes go wide and start to flit around the room before her whole body goes rigid.

"_It's all my fault." _He didn't mean it that way. He doesn't think it's your fault. He doesn't believe you killed your baby. He was just being facetious about something entirely unrelated. She knows each one of these statements is true, but the currently fragile seams holding her emotions in place are ripping in the middle of the bullpen anyway.

The second he closes his mouth he knows what he has done. He sees her unfold quickly before him, and looks around for a quick exit. The stairs are probably the only sure place without cameras or constant onlookers, and so he takes her hand and pulls her towards them. It isn't lost on him what has just passed between them.

She comes without question. The authoritative air that she usually wears so proudly around this place has vanished just as quick as it came. When his hand reaches the handle of the stairway door he almost lets out a bitter laugh at the irony. This is the same door she disappeared through two days ago with words not so different from the ones he has just uttered. How incredibly stupid of him to let something of that nature slip.

She starts shaking her head when the door slams behind them. Hands on his chest, she's resisting the embrace he's trying to place on her. If he hugs her, she knows she'll shatter completely, before the day has even started.

"Kate I'm so sorry."

She continues to shake her head violently at the ground. Eyes shut tight and lips pursed together, she leaves no openings for the emotions to slip out. But even his Beckett is only so strong.

She gasps, wild and dramatic and unable to suppress any longer. And then she's gulping down air to keep herself above sobbing but even those deep breaths are riddled with shudders.

"You didn't-" she hiccups- "mean it that, _that_ way."

She's reading him perfectly and she's not even looking at him. She's protecting his feelings and he's the one who just messed up. Oh he's so stupid. Sometimes- okay well, most times, he doesn't think before he speaks. And sometimes it really comes back to bite him in the ass.

"It doesn't matter how I meant it."

She lets out an exhaled "Not mad," but doesn't raise her eyes to his.

He cups her face between his two hands and caresses the skin underneath his thumbs. Their heads lean in and rest against each other and he just wishes he knew how to fix her. When he speaks, it is barely above a whisper.

"I know you're not mad. But I'm still sorry. Kate I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Kate." Hopefully she hears the pain in his voice and understands how dreadful he feels.

She keeps her eyes closed and continues to breathe, concentrating on the circles that he's making on her cheeks. It's a slow therapeutic, and it takes a solid few minutes before she has managed to steady her breathing and stop the flow of tears threatening to spill over her eyelids.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs back.

"Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry about. I'm sorry."

"We're pretty messed up, huh?" Her hushed remark earns a much needed laugh from both.

He pauses, but she doesn't continue conversation after that. "Do you want to go back?" he asks tentatively, and gives her time to respond.

She nods and then pauses to look up at him. The fear in her eyes astounds him. "Can we stay here a couple more minutes first?"

"Of course."

"And then stay with me for paperwork?"

"Of course."

He freezes, listening intently. His phone is buzzing in some other room. And now he's running around the house, trying to find it, stopping on occasion to listen to what direction the vibration sounds are coming from. He finds it on top of the fridge, where he placed it before dinner when trying to get too many things out at once. It has already stopped ringing, and he hits the little home button so that the screen lights up. Three missed calls- Kate. _Three. _His brain stops to a halt. She's- she's supposed to be going to dinner right now with her dad. They said goodbye not even two hours ago, and she was fine. Well, she's not fine, but she was managing to outwardly lookfine, which is something.

Redialing and waiting to hear the ringing, he goes and sits down on his couch. No, he's only sitting down for half a second before he has to get up and walk around again. Pacing. But he doesn't have to wait for long. She picks up halfway into the first ring. He waits for her to talk, to yell that she's in trouble, to get mad at him for not picking up, something.

But she doesn't say anything. He can hear her breathing through the phone though, and knows she's there.

"Kate?"

She hums in response, but doesn't speak. He has no idea what that's supposed to mean. What is he supposed to do with that?

"Um… are you okay?"

Stupid question Castle, really stupid question. He needs to figure out how to read her over the phone better. Or just come up with better conversation starters when it comes to this new and slightly damaged Kate.

"Did you get any work done?" Her voice is ever so soft and timid, clad with a sniffle at the end.

"I outlined a new chapter, so yes, wasn't completely unproductive." He doesn't understand, but he's humoring her, hoping just going along with her will bring whatever it is out.

"That's… good."

"It is… um Kate?" He's just going to pluck up the courage and ask her what's wrong. But she cuts in before he has the chance.

"Did you hear anything from Alexis?"

"Ah… well no, not since yesterday. But I'm sure she's fine. And I'm trying not to be too clingy."

"Good. Yeah. That's good."

The silence is the worst part. They used to be so good at filling in the silences.

"Hey Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want me to come over?"

"I mean only if you…" She stops and exhales. "Please."

And then he's shoving on pants and grabbing his wallet, slamming his door behind him. He hands the cab guy $100 up front, and that sure gets them going. He is there in 10 minutes flat, swearing that it has to be a record. He is up to her floor as fast as he can, taking two stairs at a time, never even pausing to consider the elevator. But when he reaches her door, he falters, scared of not being strong enough to handle whatever she's going through. He takes a deep breath, and knocks.

She doesn't answer. Upon trying the door however, he realizes that it's unlocked. That is not only weird for NYC, but especially weird for her cop-like tendencies. His hands fumble with the door once he is inside, trying to lock it up behind him. When he turns around and faces her living room, expecting to see her coming to make sure it's him, he finds nothing but an empty room and more silence.

* * *

><p>Writing sad stories really takes a lot out of you, I have to say. I hope you're still enjoying this story though. <strong>Please review<strong>! I hope to get another out before the weekend is over. (And reviews really really help, I swear haha)


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